Knitted brow

What kind of country do we live in? One where, apparently, you cannot show a crocheted crotch. At least that’s what artist Ming-Yi Sung discovered soon after a gallery in Washington put her pieces on display as part of a show called “Not the Knitting You Know.”

The gallery happens to be located in the lobby of a building occupied by the law firm Morgan, Lewis & Bockius. On the morning the exhibit opened, the firm’s management demanded that the work, depicting lifesize human forms in all our naked glory, be removed as it was offensive. Instead, Ms. Sung crocheted several fig leaves and a cod piece (shaped like a cod) to cover various knitted naughty bits.

While even monkey naughty bits are somehow too much to bear, a cow’s big-nippled udder, on the other hand, seems to have escaped scrutiny.

Latest threat to youth: Vicious tanning booths!

You know how dumb kids are, right? You might even be a kid, and I’m here to tell you, for your own good, you’re an imbicile. So much so that the American Medical Association wants to protect you from yourself and your need to sport a “healthy” tan. They want to prohibit anyone under 18 from using indoor tanning beds because you’re too stupid to realize that you’re slowly killing your skin in an effort to look more tropical.

Also: you’re fat, you drink too much, and all those video games you play are too violent for you, so let’s also regulate what you eat, drink and use for entertainment — to protect you! From yourselves!

A pirate's life for me!

Did you know that according to the International Federation of Phonographic Industries, there’s a 1-in-3 chance that the next CD you buy is an illegal copy? This is assuming that you’re buying your CDs from market vedors in Brazil, China, India, Taiwan, Indonesia, Mexico, Spain or any of the other “worst countries for the sale of illegal music,” or the best countries if you look at it another, less legal way. 85% of the music sold in China is illegal. Then again, I think the government there considers about 95% of legal music illegal anyway, so no big whoop.

Best part of the story, though, is when a representative from Universal Music International compares CDs to drugs, stating “If fake pharmaceuticals were sold on street corners it would be stopped immediately.” Because, you know, one bad CD and your heart could explode!

Your house. Our house.

The Supreme Court has decided that, according to the fifth amendment of the constitution, governments have the right to seize your home and property for pretty much any reason it damn well pleases, like building a shopping mall where your house used to stand.

A group of homeowners in Connecticut brought suit against the city of New London after it tried to seize their property to build an office complex. The families said that such construction didn’t fit into the spirit of the law, which states that land can be claimed for projects with a clear public use, such as roads or schools, or to revitalize blighted areas. The court disagreed, stating that even tax benefits realized as a result of new construction was benefit enough.

Justice Sandra Day O’Connor voiced the dissenting vote, writing, “Any property may now be taken for the benefit of another private party, but the fallout from this decision will not be random. The beneficiaries are likely to be those citizens with disproportionate influence and power in the political process, including large corporations and development firms.”

Well, this is America, after all. I mean, duh.

Dicks B. Gone

In what is surely a blow (pun intended) to the online dating world, anti-child pornography regulations put into effect today mean that no one can look at your dangly bits anymore.

Designed to protect kids from Michael Jackson, the new rules specify that any images deemed sexually explicit shown in any form must now include proof that the pictures are of an adult over 18 years of age, and that proof is a photo ID on file with the provider, which means that all those digital pictures you took of yourself last week when you looked really thin after your workout are now locked out of public perusal.

While no one’s exactly sure what the full meaning and fallout are likely to be, look for lots and lots and lots of online sex sites — or dating sites, if you prefer — to curtail what they show or disappear entirely.

Because that’s how we protect our children in the United States: take away their text books, teach them that God created Adam and Eve (not Adam and Steve) and feed them junk food and soda while making sure that no one is ever naked again.