Knitted brow

What kind of country do we live in? One where, apparently, you cannot show a crocheted crotch. At least that’s what artist Ming-Yi Sung discovered soon after a gallery in Washington put her pieces on display as part of a show called “Not the Knitting You Know.”

The gallery happens to be located in the lobby of a building occupied by the law firm Morgan, Lewis & Bockius. On the morning the exhibit opened, the firm’s management demanded that the work, depicting lifesize human forms in all our naked glory, be removed as it was offensive. Instead, Ms. Sung crocheted several fig leaves and a cod piece (shaped like a cod) to cover various knitted naughty bits.

While even monkey naughty bits are somehow too much to bear, a cow’s big-nippled udder, on the other hand, seems to have escaped scrutiny.

Latest threat to youth: Vicious tanning booths!

You know how dumb kids are, right? You might even be a kid, and I’m here to tell you, for your own good, you’re an imbicile. So much so that the American Medical Association wants to protect you from yourself and your need to sport a “healthy” tan. They want to prohibit anyone under 18 from using indoor tanning beds because you’re too stupid to realize that you’re slowly killing your skin in an effort to look more tropical.

Also: you’re fat, you drink too much, and all those video games you play are too violent for you, so let’s also regulate what you eat, drink and use for entertainment — to protect you! From yourselves!

A pirate's life for me!

Did you know that according to the International Federation of Phonographic Industries, there’s a 1-in-3 chance that the next CD you buy is an illegal copy? This is assuming that you’re buying your CDs from market vedors in Brazil, China, India, Taiwan, Indonesia, Mexico, Spain or any of the other “worst countries for the sale of illegal music,” or the best countries if you look at it another, less legal way. 85% of the music sold in China is illegal. Then again, I think the government there considers about 95% of legal music illegal anyway, so no big whoop.

Best part of the story, though, is when a representative from Universal Music International compares CDs to drugs, stating “If fake pharmaceuticals were sold on street corners it would be stopped immediately.” Because, you know, one bad CD and your heart could explode!

Your house. Our house.

The Supreme Court has decided that, according to the fifth amendment of the constitution, governments have the right to seize your home and property for pretty much any reason it damn well pleases, like building a shopping mall where your house used to stand.

A group of homeowners in Connecticut brought suit against the city of New London after it tried to seize their property to build an office complex. The families said that such construction didn’t fit into the spirit of the law, which states that land can be claimed for projects with a clear public use, such as roads or schools, or to revitalize blighted areas. The court disagreed, stating that even tax benefits realized as a result of new construction was benefit enough.

Justice Sandra Day O’Connor voiced the dissenting vote, writing, “Any property may now be taken for the benefit of another private party, but the fallout from this decision will not be random. The beneficiaries are likely to be those citizens with disproportionate influence and power in the political process, including large corporations and development firms.”

Well, this is America, after all. I mean, duh.

Dicks B. Gone

In what is surely a blow (pun intended) to the online dating world, anti-child pornography regulations put into effect today mean that no one can look at your dangly bits anymore.

Designed to protect kids from Michael Jackson, the new rules specify that any images deemed sexually explicit shown in any form must now include proof that the pictures are of an adult over 18 years of age, and that proof is a photo ID on file with the provider, which means that all those digital pictures you took of yourself last week when you looked really thin after your workout are now locked out of public perusal.

While no one’s exactly sure what the full meaning and fallout are likely to be, look for lots and lots and lots of online sex sites — or dating sites, if you prefer — to curtail what they show or disappear entirely.

Because that’s how we protect our children in the United States: take away their text books, teach them that God created Adam and Eve (not Adam and Steve) and feed them junk food and soda while making sure that no one is ever naked again.

Nuclear options

Unable to figure out on his own why the United States hasn’t built a new nuclear power plant in 30 years, George W. stated during a tour of just such a plant that we need more “safe, clean, reliable electricty,” and apparently installing more nuclear power plants with nuclear waste we’re not sure of what to do with or how to protect them from terrorist attacks is just the ticket!

And we’ll just ignore for the moment that the man’s pending energy bill — loaded to the gills with tax incentives and loan guarantees for energy producers (hello, big oil!) — will cost you and I a net revenue loss of $1.2 billion.

Also: Any guesses as to how many times the first idiot said “nucular” during his tour and pronouncements?

UnPhotoshopping

Scientists from the University of Roma Tre in Italy have developed a way to tell if an original digital image has been changed to reflect, oh, I dunno, Tom Cruise naked or Pamela Anderson with tiny breasts. A computer generated hologram is watermarked into an image’s bits and bytes. If the original image is then tampered with, those with the encryption key can go in and pull the CGH back out.

The CGH is added as random, high frequency noise that can’t be detected by the naked eye. This hologram is based on light patterns made by a real hologram, so it’s much smaller than the original.

Ass Crack City

Apparently, New York City has an ass crack problem, and not just with its plumbers. Men of every stripe (but, one hopes, more of the fit and muscular than the flabby and sagging) are lowering their wasitbands and exposing inches of butt cleavage and pube tips.

These aren’t the baggy jeans that skater punks and hip-hop wannabes of yore used to lower to their knees, these are the $150+ per pair designer jeans from Seven, Prada and Blue Cult that line the racks of trendy boutiques — and in some cases, the boys are wearing the girls’ styles.

If, in fact, New York is one year ahead of the west coast — and two years ahead of the rest of the country — in fashion trends, I fear that the 2007 pre-election Presidential blitz through the red states is going to depend heavily on one’s ass crack, rather than one’s butthead.

U.S. Justice: 3 burned SUVs = 22.5 prison years

In 2000, Jeff Juers was 22 years old and concerned about America’s contributions to global warming. But rather than whine about it on a weblog like you and I, he set fire to three SUVs on a Eugene, Oregon car lot.

So the judge called him an “ecoterrorist” and sentenced to 22 years, 6 months prison time. He is starting his fifth year behind bars this month.

In order to silence him, the Department of Corrections has tried to strip him of all free speech rights while he sits in prison, censoring his outgoing mail and denying CNN and 60 Minutes access to videotape him, all of which are in violation of prison restrictions placed on other prisoners — except those in Gitmo, probably.

In an interview with the San Francisco Chronicle, Luer remains convinced of his views, points out many inconsistencies concerning how the U.S. government defines and handles terrorist acts, and believes his act of anarchy pales in comparison with what corporations get away with every day.

Is Fake for real?

Flickr founder Fake says that the next big online challenge will be engendering trust, or Reputation Management in AJAX-speak. Speaking at Supernova this week, Caterina Fake says that with everyone blogging, photoblogging, podcasting and invading your so-called privacy on an hourly basis, “trust (will be) the thing that makes the Internet possible.”

And you thought it was all about wires, servers, hubs and computers! Ha! Moron.

But how does one build trust online? Obviously not by hiding behind some fake names and posting shit about whatever cranks your ‘nads. Except here. Because we’re more special than that and you trust us because we… we don’t…

Hmm.

Leo's in stitches

Leonardo DiCaprio filed a police report that he was attacked by a woman with a broken bottle at a party, requiring 12 stitches in his neck! Now that’s a party!

Sure beats the hell out of what Leo, David Blaine and Tobey Maguire do for entertainment when all they have is a tea set, a telephone and a friend with mad Photoshopping skillz.

The death of Cardinal Sin!

We can all sleep a little easier now, because Cardinal Sin is officially dead.

Cardinal Jaime Sin of The Philippines died of renal failure after being taken to the hospital with a high fever. He was 76.

And, true, the only thing funny in the whole story is the headline, but sometimes that’s enough.