Need: More money

I really need to get more work so I can have more money so I can buy more shoes. Shoes are a sometimes-obsession with me, and I know damned well that if I was independently wealthy all I would do is buy more shoes, which would mean more closet space for storing said shoes, which would mean a larger living abode, so I could go out more often and wear more shoes.

Current shoe count (and, no, I can’t believe it either): 48 pairs.

I used to be embarrassed by this fact, that I own more shoes than anything else. I don’t own, for example, 48 pairs of pants or 48 pairs of underwear or 48 T-shirts, although my T-shirt obsession is very close. T-shirts, however? Like, $15 each. I have spent, on more than one occasion, $400 for a pair of shoes, and generally every pair I own cost me at least $100.

But now I simply embrace this disease for what it is and glorify my shoes. No more hiding them all in cubbies in the closet for me, they now line my stairway and my favorite pairs are arranged on a set of shelves in my dressing area — and, yes, I have a dressing area.

I tend to favor outlandish, insane, multicolored monstrosities made out of leather and space-age polymers and cut into weird shapes and contrasting pieces. The soles are as important, and sometimes more important, than the uppers and the only type of shoe I eschew is the dreaded slide or clog. People, shoes need backs! Otherwise they come off at inopportune times!

So please feel free to send any money you don’t know what to do with directly to me and I’ll buy some really nice shoes and take a photo of myself wearing them and show you how smartly you’ve invested your money.

You don’t need another latte! But I need more shoes!