Lucas ready to ruin more cherished film memories

At the London opening of “Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Return of the Attack of the Extremely Stupid Dialog,” film “director” and “visionary” George Lucas mentioned that now that he’s finally finished flushing his own grand vision of a world where infantile whining teens with good bone structures grow up to become evil villains that decide to decimate entire planetary populations (because no one really understands them) down the loo, he’s moving on to start ripping the heart out of the Indiana Jones series.

While he didn’t give away much more than that publicly, sources close to the film plans reported that in “Indiana Jones and the Wagonload of Movie Merchandising,” Harrison Ford will reprise his role as the globe-trotting thief of ancient artifacts and we’ll finally discover that the reason Marion hated him so much in the first film (which is really the second film chronologically) is because he tried to strangle her and their unborn twins after finding out that she trailed him across the world to tell him how much she loved him, but then discovered what an asshole he was because he became a Nazi sympathiser after Adolph Hitler promised to tell him how to defy death because he was having bad dreams.

I know it sounds complicated, but it will play out so simple-minded on screen that we’ll all leave the theatre feeling cheated and disgusted and inclined to seek Lucas out and flog him with a fully-licensed Lightsaber™ replica.