Wacko wrap-up

Michael Jackson has learned his lesson. Or a lesson, anyway. According to his lawyer, the entertainer and freak will no longer be sleeping with small boys. Instead, he’ll only sleep with middle-sized and larger boys, chimps, kangaroos, piglets, pictures of Diana Ross, Rev. Jesse Jackson (every other weekend), a small box of cream-flavored Gummi Boys, a video of himself screaming “Ooh!” on a continual loop, Tito and Jermaine but not LaToya, John Hurt but only when in full make-up as The Elephant Man, and the cast of Alterboys now on Broadway, but fully clothes and singing about Jesus. Additionally, small boys will be allowed to sleep with Jackson on hammocks, large couches, inflatable pool toys and overstuffed wingback chairs — but never in his bed.

Meanwhile, if you were wondering how the die-hard fans are reacting (assuming you couldn’t hear their orgasmic screams of pleasure from where you live), Liverpudlian Sean O’Kane sums it up for all of them, comparing MJ’s suffering to that of Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela. Remember when MLK was falsely imprisoned for sleeping with small boys? And then Mandela used to force chimps to clean the South African embassies. Good times, man.

And if you’re concerned that the once-great Jackson’s career is all but dead, think again. When you stop and think about where a man with Michael’s background could possibly appear, there’s only one place that’s as fake, bizarre and accepting of anything as MJ himself.

Vegas, baby! “What happens here…”