Weekend Regurge

Mutant German baby in No. 1 weekend movie; Cheney uses potty mouth.

A 4½-year-old Superboy with a protein deficiency is teaching scientists a thing or two about the connection between having huge muscles and President Bush in this weekend’s hit movie, “Fahrenheit Superbaby.”

The documentary chronicles the President’s connection to Osama bin Laden, the child of German athletes who also planned the attacks on the United States. Reviewers have generally given the film two thumbs up. Vice President Richard “My Name is Dick” Cheney told them to fuck themselves.

Iraq missing US$20billion; torture memo blamed.

President Bush is absolutely blameless in the whole torture mess according to Colin Powell, coming up with a great excuse for the man who’s supposedly in charge of things that happen, except the bad things, even when he knows about them, but doesn’t approve.

The Justice Department released a memo detailing the mothods it used to steal billions in Iraqi oil profits it plans on using to smear Michael Moore, buy Hummers and move in with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who will not kill everyone’s pets as he had earlier promised to do.

Enron boss claims innocence; world avoids Internet virus attack.

Ken Lay, embattled ex-CEO of Enron said this week he did not let loose a potentially serious virus that would steal energy from computers in California and send it all to Texas.

“Okay, the other stuff? Totally guilty. Frankly, I’m a sleeze and a slimeball and a, uh, well, can I say motherfucker? Will that get bleeped?” he reportedly never actually said. PC users everywhere breathed a sigh of relief when Microsoft released another warning that there’s something seriously wrong with their operating systems and, golly, there’s really nothing they can do about that, sorry, oops, whatever suckers.

Microsoft sucks and blows; decides not to blow up India.

In other Microsoft news, the company appealed to the European Union to forgive it for being a very bad—or very good—corporation, depending on one’s P.O.V. The continent responded by agreeing to delay the huge amount of money it thinks MS should pay for being very bad—or very good at what it does.

Meanwhile, the company started talking to India about not blowing it to hell and back, and vice versa, for having all that cheap labor over there. India, collectively, shrugged and said, “We’ve got nukes, they have Windows. We’ll see who wins.”